Tuesday, February 21, 2012

NHL "All Asshat" Fantasy Hockey League

My Team Captain.

I recently discovered the "fantasy baseball boyfriend" via Ms.Conduct's article on Backhand Shelf. It's basically a weird teenage girl way to pick players for a fantasy team. There's some shit called a "little black book". Whatever. If people want to do it have at it. I'm all for picking your favorite players for your fantasy team. Honestly they're a crap shoot most of the time, I mean who thought Phil Kessel would be having the season he is? So pick players you like and it at least makes it enjoyable, even if they start to suck. It got me thinking however why not pick a team of all players you hate instead? The anti-fantasy team is always a fun kind of thing to do, you basically pick players that suck and hope that they don't score. Hating on people is just as fun as swooning over them, sometimes more so. So why not pick a team of players you want to shove off a cliff? I usually write about players I love here, but trust me there are a few player I just can't stand. I would love to punch some of these assholes in the face, or at the very least tell them to fuck off. Well I've developed a system for picking the players below. I haven't really figured out the scoring system, maybe something involving douchy incidents, punchable faces, etc. I don't know I'll keep you posted.
  • You pick 9 forwards, 4 defensemen, and 1 goalie
  • You can't pick more than 2 players from the same team. This eliminates the bias toward teams you dislike and makes you think of players you hate on a more individual basis.
  • You don't have to follow a RW-C-LW format. You can pick forwards that play any position, you don't need to form line combinations.
Here's my team, with descriptions of why I chose these guys

Max Lapierre-Steve Ott-Raffi Torres
Steve Downie-Mike Ribeiro-Shane O'Brien
Ryan Clowe-Ryan Getzlaf-Daniel Carcillo

PK Subban-Andy Sutton
Drew Doughty-Dion Phaneuf

Antti Niemi

Why did I chose these guys? Well I think more than a few are self-explanatory. Max Lapierre? Well look at this assholes face!
Fuck off.

His face makes me want to punch babies.
Then there's Steve Ott, my team captain, what an asshat he is.
Lavi is my hero.
Raffi Torres is the cheapest, he's an entire cargo truck full of dicks.
Die in a ditch.
Steve Downie is fucking annoying!
Shut the fuck up!

Mike Ribeiro is such a bitch.
Cool mug shot bro.
Shane O'Brien just pisses me off. He's a mega douche, I want to pop him in the mouth.
Fuck yea bro you're such a badass.
Ryan Clowe just go jump off a roof.
Bleed asshole!
Ryan Getzlaf is a smug asshole. Plus you're bald, go suck a dick!
Daniel Carcillo has a stupid face.
Look at those dumb fucking tattoos.

PK Subban is the biggest cheapshot artist. Slew Foot City!
Douche Canoe.

Hey Andy, Are you an Expert?
"Only in Cheap Shots!"
Drew Doughty is fat and lazy. Plus he's a smug little prick.
Eat yourself to death please.

Dion Phaneuf is just really punchable.
WTF happened to his face?
Antti Niemi sucks.
So there's my team of shit faces, who do you have on your team? Share in the comments below. I'm sure a few of you agree with me (and a few disagree too).

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