Sunday, April 8, 2012

Eastern Conference Match-up: Florida Panthers vs. New Jersey Devils








Florida Panthers

The Rundown: The Panthers have been waiting a loooong time to get laid to make it into the playoffs, but their time has finally arrived. They had a little help from their friends, but it's finally time to take the plunge. They may stumble a little bit, but it's OK guys just take it slow. They've done all the hard work: awkward conversation, paying for dates, and endless foreplay. Now it's time to reap the benefits boys! Remember, it's all just gravy now.

Strengths: They're very eager to get this going! I mean wouldn't you be ready to pounce if you had to wait 12 years for this?

Weaknesses: They're new, and I'm sure a little nervous. It's their first time guys! They might struggle a little out of the gate, or worse get a little too excited, if you know what I mean. 

Actual Analysis: I'm pretty excited about the Panthers making the playoffs! Seriously, it's such a great story, and for those people raining on their parade..shhhhh! The Panthers though are not without their struggles. Who will play in net? Clemmensen has a better record against the Devils, but Theodore is the number one. Which Panthers team will show up? The Panthers are one of the streakiest teams, it's really feast or famine. One thing that will really be a factor though is their mental strength. They have a lot of players who have been there before, and the mental strength from those guys will definitely be needed. They get a lot of offense from their blue line, so Garrison and Campbell will need to be factors in this series. The top line of Fleishmann-Weiss-Versteeg has been reunited, and hopefully can rekindle the spark they had earlier in the season. They play a fast game, and will need to create space for themselves to be successful. 



"Hey Stephen don't let it bother you. I mean how long has it been like 5 years?" "It's been 12" "Oh shit man you gotta get on that!"

"Hey Danger! I hope you gotta big trunk, because I'm putting my bike in it."


"You know how when you touch a woman's breast and it feels like a bag of sand?" "WHAT?"
"Hey you better keep your ho on a leash!"


"Did you just flick me in the nuts?" "No, I flicked you in the fleshy patch where your nuts used to be."


New Jersey Devils

The Rundown: The Devils are hungry, seriously they're starving. They'll do whatever it takes to get those delicious little burgers the Stanley Cup. They're on a crazy journey, and who knows where they'll end up. With all the ups and downs so far, it's too late to give up now. Just think how sweet it will taste though when they make it all the way to their destination. 

Strengths: They've got a car, kind of. They also have Neil Patrick Harris on their side, and he's the shit. They're ready for anything, and nothing will stop them from getting those burgers. 

Weaknesses: Pot, and those idiot "extreme" guys.

Actual Analysis: The Devils play a tight defensive game. They play with structure, and that can be very hard to break. They also have a lot of offensive weapons, led by captain Zach Parise and sniper Ilya Kovalchuk. The big question is in net. What will Marty do? Will he return to form, or will he tire out after a long season? The Devils have been playing well all season, and have flown under the radar into the playoffs. This can be dangerous, since no one is really knows what they will do in the post season. The Devils will be a tough team to knock out, and will grind down their opposition night after night. 

"Did Doogie Houser just steal my fucking car?"

"Dude we're so high right now!" "We're not low!"


"Come on Pookie let's burn this mother fucker down!"

"Dude, on a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being extreme and 10 being extremely extreme, I give that a 9.5!"

"EXTREME KAYAKING!"

The Match-up: This series is an interesting one to determine. The Devils are a structured group, and are difficult to play against. On the other hand, the Panthers are a speedy team, and like to open up the play. I think this series will boil down to who establishes the pace of the games. The Panthers have a winning record against the Devils, but the playoffs are a whole different animal. The Devils play a more "playoff style" game, and can grind down a team in a seven game series. This could prove to be one of the more difficult series to predict. 

Prediction: I want to pick the Panthers, but I don't think I can. I think the Devils will prove a difficult opponent, and will stifle the Panthers offense. I think the series will go six, maybe seven games, but I think the Devils will take it.  

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