Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Sorry Cosmo You Should Leave It To The Experts

Cosmopolitan magazine recently released their 30 Hottest Hockey Players feature, and well let's just say it was rather interesting. They got some pretty obvious ones right, Lundqvist (duh!), and some were simply just silly. So let's review who they thought was sexy, my reaction, and my pick if I think they got it wrong.


Let's start off with who they got right!




The Winners

Mike Fisher: Nashville Predators
Mr. Carrie Underwood

Quote from Cosmo: "It’s easy to see why Carrie Underwood fell for this sexy Predator."

OK I totally agree Mike Fisher is a babe. But the quote? Maybe don't call Mike a "sexy Predator" lol it sounds well creepy.

Zach Parise: New Jersey Devils
What's up baby?
Cosmo Quote: "This New Jersey Devils captain volunteers for Jersey public libraries in his spare time. Aww."

How adorable is Zach? Yea I know, love him.

Henrik Lundqvist: New York Rangers
I love you Hank you beautiful man!
Cosmo Quote:  "This hottie goalie is married—but he has an identical twin brother who plays pro hockey in Sweden. Yum."

Yum indeed Cosmo! Hank is the best looking guy in the league, seriously that guy isn't real is he? What a gorgeous human being. 

PS: The Rangers win sexiest team in the league. Seriously pretty much all these guys are hot! 

Patrick Sharp: Chicago Blackhawks
Yummy.
Cosmo Quote: "Patrick was named one of the 50 most beautiful Chicagoans last year."

Patrick Sharp, what can I say. Easily one of the sexiest hockey players, I'd say a close 2nd to Hank. The guy looks like a movie star. 

Erik Karlsson: Ottawa Senators
I would do terrible things to you.
Cosmo Quote: "This hottie had the most points out of all defensemen in the NHL this season. He can score with us any time."

Did I write that quote? Jeez. Seriously though, Erik is delicious. 

John Tavares: New York Islanders
You're goofy and I dig it.
Cosmo Quote: "This center has been called a natural leader on the ice. We like a man who knows how to call the shots."

John is kind of nerd, which I'm into. He's pretty cute and he seems like a great guy. If you're picking one guy off the Isles he's definitely the guy.
Mikko Koivu: Minnesota Wild
Cosmo Quote: "Mikko doesn’t just bring it on the ice—he donates a suite at the Minnesota Wild’s stadium to children with serious medical conditions."

Mikka is a pretty good looking guy. He's got those great Finnish genes, and he's got a pretty adorable smile. I approve of this pick.
Rick Nash: Columbus Blue Jackets
 
Cosmo Quote: "Take it off, Rick. Take it all off."

First off this quote, excellent. I agree with Rick Nash, I've always sort of held a candle for him. He's got that adorable big 'ol teddy bear thing going on. I'm feeling it. 

OK I get it, but...

These are the picks that I get, but I think they should have done a little more research on. This is where the Cosmo people show they don't really know hockey players, a lot of their picks are captains or popular players. Trust me ladies if you take the time to dig a little deeper there are some sexy guys out there.

Mike Green: Washington Capitals
You would be cuter if it wasn't for that Vespa, oh and the douchiness.
Cosmo Quote: "Mike isn’t as flashy as his superstar teammate Alexander Ovechkin, but his talent (and pouty lips) don’t go unnoticed by us."

OK I get it. I'm assuming the Cosmo girls don't really watch hockey and are going strictly based on looks and whatever random crap they find on the Internet. They don't know Mike Green is super emo, and drives a Vespa. Even my roommate thinks Mike Green is hot, I know weirdo. If you're just going off looks Mike's not bad looking. But let me suggest....
Brooks Laich
I'm sorry what? I didn't hear you I can't stop looking at your eyes.

Yea Brooks is way hotter sorry. Plus he fixes flat tires for damsels in distress even after losing a game.

Cam Ward: Carolina Hurricanes
Goalies are usually a good choice.
Cosmo Quote: "Goaltender Cam isn’t just hot—he’s also really active in charity work and community service."

I get it Cam is cute, plus he's a goalie so you know he can do all those crazy moves. Goalies are always cute, they're faces don't get fucked up. But I suggest....
Jeff Skinner
Yea that's what I thought. Tell me who's cuter than this kid? I get that he's young and maybe that's why they didn't pick him, but come on look at those dimples! Loves.
Wayne Simmonds: Philadelphia Flyers
I know you're chirping, I dig it.
Cosmo Quote: "This right winger's teammates call him "Simmer." Oh yeah, we can see that."

Wayne Simmonds is a good looking guy, I get it. On another team I would totally say yes, but might I suggest...

Claude Giroux
Hot Damn Claude!
Oh Claude so perfect. Not saying Simmer isn't a good looking dude, but when Claude Giroux is on your team, sorry. I love his accent and gingerness, just a sexy human right there.
Andrew Ladd: Winnipeg Jets
 
Cosmo Quote: "This hot captain is known for his stick-handling skills."

I get it, Ladd's not a bad looking guy. He's the captain so you know he's a character guy, but I suggest...

Ondrej Pavelec

"Hey girl, hey!"

Yea I bet you didn't know about Pavelec before right now did you? I bet you feel silly. He's super sexy! Seriously this guy is hot. If you didn't know about him before, maybe go kill some time on a Google search, trust me there's more and it's worth it.

Kris Versteeg: Florida Panthers
I'm pretty sure if I was that close to Kris my expression would be identical to that girls.
Cosmo Quote: "Yup, we think that girl’s expression pretty much sums it up."

I love Kris Versteeg, he's one of my favorite players. He's funny, he's cute, and he seem like the kind of guy you would want to hang out with. Normally I would agree with this pick but let me suggest...

Erik Gudbranson
Yea I know.
Ummm...yea. Erik is unbelievable. Just look at that face? What? Yea I can't even. How do you not pick this guy? 
Sidney Crosby: Pittsburgh Penguins
Cosmo Quote: "A bad concussion almost kept him out of the 2011-2012 season. We’re amped sexy Sid made it back."


Yes Sidney is a good looking guy. He's an unbelievable hockey player, and I would tap that ass for real. Seriously his ass OMG! I get why they picked him, but might I suggest...
James Neal and Kris Letang   

Yea I know, what's up? Both these guys are just perfect. I'm not saying Sid isn't good looking, but for me these two are hotter. James is perfect and Kris is just so pretty. The Penguins are a pretty good looking team in general, so really almost any pick was a good one. 

Shane Doan: Phoenix Coyotes

Cosmo Quote: "Sexy Shane once hit a puck so hard, it broke in two."

Umm OK I guess I could see why they would pick Doan. He's a pretty good looking guy, plus he's the captain so yea. I just think they didn't bother to pull up the Coyotes roster honestly. I suggest...  

Taylor Pyatt and Antoine Vermette

Yea...so Shane Doan? That's what I thought. Pyatt's eyes should have been chosen, and Vermette haha yea OMG right? Hey Cosmo maybe just pull up a roster next time right? 

Ryan Kesler: Vancouver Canucks
Cosmo Quote:  "Hottie Ryan loves his fans—he’s big on retweeting them."

OK what? Kesler never uses his Twitter lol. Whatever I digress, Kesler is hot for sure! He constantly has his clothes off, which yum. He also has to be in every one's photo because let's face it he makes photos better. I'm not disagreeing with their pick, but I suggest...

David Booth and Chris Higgins


Just look at those two! How can you not pick either one of these guys? Kesler is kind of a sourpuss but these two have beautiful glowing smiles. They're just so damn happy, how can you not love them? Please Cosmo do better research. 
Niklas Lidstrom: Detroit Red Wings
Cosmo Quote: "Hottie Nicklas has won four Stanley Cups."


Nik is a glorious specimen of a human. Seriously he's a flawless individual, plus he's made of Swedish robot parts so you know he never breaks. Lidstrom is a great pick, but I suggest...
Darren Helm

Darren Helm? Yes please! If you haven't checked him out, maybe you should. He's seriously sexy, and on a team of some pretty good looking guys he sticks out for me. Plus he doesn't wear shirts ever and that's always a plus! 
UMM.... WTF?? 
OK seriously ladies what were you thinking? Not saying all these guys are ugly, but you missed some seriously obvious picks. 




Antti Niemi: San Jose Sharks
  
Cosmo Quote: "Is it just us, or does Antti bear a crazy-strong resemblance to Twilight hottie KellanLutz?"

It's just you Cosmo. No one ever looks at Niemi and sees a movie star, ever! He kind of looks likes he's a homeless person, just saying. I know the Sharks aren't an attractive team, but there's a better pick I promise. I mean how do you pick this guy when there's....
Dan Boyle

Dan Boyle has that sexy scruff and he just looks like he knows a thing or two, if you know what I mean. He looks even better compared to the other guys on his team. Really the Sharks are ugly. 

Dustin Brown: Los Angeles Kings

Cosmo Quote: "Dustin fun fact: At 23, he was the youngest man to be named a Kings captain."

OK I love Dustin Brown and there's a lot of things he is, but sexy isn't one of them. If you're going to pick a guy to crush over on the Kings there's plenty to choose from, I mean Dustin Brown? LOL. I mean how do you choose him when there's...

Mike Richards

There's a few players on the Kings that could have been chosen, but I'm going with Richards. I would choose Gagne but who knows if he'll ever even play again. You could have picked Justin Williams,  Jeff Carter, Jonathan Bernier, etc. I went with Richards because he seems like a giant smart ass, and I'm into that. 

Bobby Ryan: Anaheim Ducks
Cosmo Quote: "No doubt he scares the hell out of his opponents, but we can’t get over the adorable dimple in his chin."

Ummm..OK. Bobby Ryan is a hell of a hockey player, but is he really hot? No. There's really only one choice if you're picking the sexiest player on the Ducks. How do you choose him when there's...
Teemu Selanne
  Look at that man, he is flawless. Seriously who doesn't love Teemu? Teemu Forever. 
Ales Hemsky: Edmonton Oilers

Cosmo Quote: "Sexy Ales scored his first hat trick this year. Clearly, he knows how to use his stick."

The Oilers are an interesting team, I wouldn't say anyone on their team is gorgeous. On the other hand Ales Hemsky wouldn't be my choice for hottest guy on his team. I mean why would you pick him when there's...
Sam Gagner
"Don't forget I'm still the best looking guy on this team Ebs."

Not gonna lie I have a little bit of a crush on Sam Gagner. He's dorky cute, plus that 8 point night earlier in the season was pretty damn sexy. 
Matt Duchene: Colorado Avalanche
   
Cosmo Quote: "This center has a sexy Canadian accent."

Umm He's Canadian and has an accent, OK Cosmo. I don't think I need to explain this one. I mean why would you pick him when there's... 
Gabriel Landeskog
 
Yea um shouldn't this pick have been an easy choice? I mean Gabe is yummy. If you look at the Avalanche roster and don't immediately pick out Landeskog as the hottest guy on the team I don't think we can be friends. 

Michael Cammalleri: Calgary Flames
Cosmo Quote: "FYI, Mike has been called a “natural scorer.”"

When I was reading this list I was convinced Cosmo had rosters from earlier in the season, but then Cammy made it on here and I realized they're just not very smart. Once again they missed a player who isn't a star. Why would you pick him when there's....

Mikael Backlund
Best shirt ever.
Flawless Swede is flawless. Seriously ladies at Cosmo you need to give into the power of the Swedes!!!! You know you want to.  


TJ Oshie: St. Louis Blues

Cosmo Quote: "T.J. can stare at us like that all day."

Ummm...OK? Are you sure you wanna go with TJ Oshie? I know he seems like a funny guy, but yea. Why would you pick when there's...


Patrik Berglund
Look at him with those small children, adorable.
Berglund is pretty damn good looking. Other acceptable choices would have been David Backes, Jason Arnott, and Alex Pietrangelo. 


Martin St. Louis: Tampa Bay Lightning
  
Cosmo Quote: "This right winger always brings the sexy to the ice."

Look I'm not saying Marty isn't a good looking guy, but um why would you pick him when there's...

Victor Hedman 
I'm just gonna leave this here.
Yea that's what I thought. Moving on. 
Max Pacioretty: Montreal Canadiens

Cosmo Quote: "We'd love to go head-to-head with this sexy left wing."
 


I guess I could see Patches on this list, but why would you pick him when there's...
Carey Price 
Yes I picked a picture of Carey Price with puppies because I know not all of you like him.
Sure Carey can be a cocky asshole sometimes, but would you expect anything else from a Montreal Canadiens goalie? Besides that's why you love him anyway. That and the fact he's always so damn adorable at the all-star game.


Mikhail Grabovski: Toronto Maple Leafs
Cosmo Quote: "This sexy center earns $5.5 million a year. Wow."

LOL even the Cosmo people can't believe Grabo make 5.5 million a year. HAHA never change Leafs. I love crazy ass Grabovski but why would you pick him when there's...

Joffrey Lupul and Luke Schenn


Yes they're both models. I don't even know lol. But seriously these boys are gorgeous. I'm really wondering if the Cosmo girls are just dumb. Or maybe they're just gold diggers, I guess that's possible.

 

Jason Pominville: Buffalo Sabres

 Cosmo Quote: "We’d let this sexy Sabres captain run our team any day."

I think the ladies at Cosmo made this pick prior to the trade deadline. I mean why else would they pick him instead of...

Cody Hodgson

I love Coho. Adorable and nerdy, win-win. If you're not feeling my pick of Hodgson well maybe you'll be into his brother.

He deserves an honorable mention on this list. Hot Damn!

Milan Lucic: Boston Bruins

Cosmo Quote: "This handsome left wing is a fierce competitor—and a Stanley Cup winner."

OK. NO Cosmo. What? How do you pick Lucic when there's...

Patrice Bergeron

Oh yea he also speaks French ladies. Yea that's the panty dropper right there. Damn that is a good looking man. I would have accepted Tyler Seguin as the pick, but Patrice is my personal choice. 

Brendan Morrow: Dallas Stars

 
Cosmo Quote: "Brenden missed most of the season due to an injury but was back (and hotter than ever) in March."
Meh, Morrow is alright I guess, but Cosmo seriously dropped the ball here. I mean you could pick Morrow but why would you when there's...

Jamie Benn
What a cutie Jamie Benn is, he's just all sorts of lovable. I would also have accepted Sheldon Souray, because well he's a beautiful man as well. 


What do you think Ladies and Gents? Who are you're picks for hottest hockey players?  

4 comments:

  1. Great job! Much much better than Cosmo. I'd go for Lundqvist and Pyatt over all.

    Oh, where's the love for tuomo?

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    1. I had to make some difficult decisions with my list lol. This list would be very different if I didn't have to include a player from every team, trust me.

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  2. For Ottawa, check out Peter Regin. He hasn't gotten much coverage because he's spent most of this season on LTIR, but he's one yummy Dane.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for the tip! I googled him, and yes he is pretty yummy.

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