Things That Are More Exciting Than Waiting For Zach Parise and Ryan Suter To Sign

"Hey man, fuck all these people! Let's just be dicks and make them sweat it out in two years when we're free agents!"

Seriously? I mean come on guys, just sign a God damn contract already. How hard is this? You're both going to make almost 100 million dollars, just sign it! Wahhhh...what team that wants to make me filthy rich is better? Guess what? All the cities you're thinking about moving your families to have awesome qualities, and shitty qualities. Just pick the one that is the least shitty and move on. I'm over it, in fact, here's a list of shit that is more exciting to do than waiting for twiddle dee and twiddle dum to sign.

• Watching 24/7 on loop for the next 678 hours. 
• Walking around your house in a robe while also eating ice cream out of the tub.
• Trying to fart loud enough to wake up your sleeping dog.
• Shooting aluminium foil balls with a hockey stick at objects in your house.
• Yelling at kids on your lawn. 
• Going to the gym...FAT ASS!
• Putting your teams schedule into your calender. 
• Shopping on eBay.
• Licking random items to see what they taste like.
• Getting a head start on your holiday shopping.
• Shitting in a park. 
• Making your own beef jerky. 
• Ordering everything at Starbucks and drinking them until you barf.
• Barfing.
• Re-watching the Stanley Cup Final and sobbing uncontrollably (Kings and Devils fans only).
• Trying to blow random shit up.
• Staring at Taylor Pyatt's eyes.
• Trying to get Nail Yakupov to tweet you.
• Masturbating.
• Sniffing glue.
• Begin training for a marathon.
• Stop training for a marathon after running for five minutes.
• Eating a banana really slowly in a very public place. 
• Baking a cake made of shit and getting your neighbors to eat it.
• Eating shit.
• Thinking about how none of this matters because there probably won't be a NHL season next year because everyone is a greedy asshole and they can't agree on anything.