Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Stupid Shit I Found On The Internet: The Zombie Apocalypse Thread

I haven't done one of these posts in a while, and I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to share this.

It's summer, and for hockey fans that means sometimes having to be creative to get through the long days. Over at HFBoards, they are masters of asking stupid questions, and recieving even more stupid answers. Occasionaly though, they can come up with some pretty funny threads. For example, a recent thread was created titled "If there's was a zombie apocalypse which 5 NHLers would you team up with?". It's an interesting question. Do you go for the fatties, so they will be eaten before you? Do you go for the guys who hunt? Well, as you can imagine the responses were varied, and some were pretty awesome. I will now share some of my favorites with you. 

"Burrows, he would eat them all. I dont need anymore"--Just their fingers though.

"I don't know who all would make it, but Recchi is a doctor, right?
He would definitely make the list.
"--Odds of this guy being a Canucks or Habs fan?

"Hal Gill it is then"--Hal Gill is slow, just FYI.

"Dustin Byfuglien
Big enough to feed a horde and give you a 100km headstart"--
Valid points
"needs more token black guy for movie effect"--Racist, yet also hilarious.
-- Three fatties, and two guys you hate. Solid strategy.
 "And obviously Hall Gill, because he's slow as ****."--Hal Gill is screwed.
"Keith Ballard would decapitate them with his hockey stick lightsab.er (apparently it autocorrects to Sabre)."

"Torres, he always goes for the head."--Touche
"Players that have already been consumed by the virus : 

"Giroux because if he was ever bitten he would be to limp wristed to eat me.
Weber because his contract would run through the end of kingdome come.
Paul Martin for the eggs.
Hitch to put me to sleep.
Malkin because I like his riverdance... plus I need a token euro.
To be honest I would screw them all over and just take Heidi Androl
."--Is that you Patrick O'Neal?

"Tim Thomas no question. You have to think he has a freaking underground fortress decked out with guns, ammo, survival equipment, Ron Paul for America campaign posters, canned food and porn."--Yea, but you have to hang out with Tim Thomas.

"George Parros 
What the fuck is this?

"I absolutely despise the Canucks, but I'd have Booth in my group for sure. The guy knows how to kill things with guns."--As stated previously on this blog, David Booth is amazing.

"I think people are overrating big guys like chara or scott, if it only takes 1 bite to be infected they wont last long in a close quarter battle, especially given how hard zombies are to kill."--This guy knows an odd amount about zombies. Pretty sure he's creating them in his basement, and will release them into society.

"Heatley, Bouwmeester, Gomez, Arnsason and Iginla (for the first two months of any season). Their lack of heart would make them fit in and potentially create a cover that would cloak my heartbeat & warm blood."--Ouch.

Monday, July 30, 2012

And The Winner Is....

Did you really think I could separate these two?
Yes, so many people requested the duo, and the voting was so close, that I just had to declare both winners. I couldn't be responsible for causing a lovers quarrel by choosing sides. Besides, it's about time ESPN put more than one hockey player in their damn magazine! Pair their amazing romance with an equally amazing storyline, and you have a winning combination (pun only slightly intended). I will be sending out an e-mail to ESPN Magazine this week, and posting it here. Feel free to send any suggestions of what I should include in my e-mail by either leaving them in the comments, e-mailing them, or sending them to me on Twitter.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Naked Face Off Championship!

OK guys, before you scroll down and see the top two men, there's a few things you should know. 1.) I did not vote for this, the results are not my fault, please don't yell at me. 2.) Kudos to the loyal fans of the two remaining guys, the results were super tilted. 3.) Yes, this decision will be incredibly difficult. Once again, YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELVES!

OK enough talk lets get to the guys!

# 3 Jeff Carter v. #4 Mike Richards 

Remember when I said don't get mad at me?? 

Here's a link to their Flavor of the Week, just in case you need a little more info on how hard of a decision this will be. Who will prevail from the most amazing romance of the century? That's up to you!

The voting will remain open until Friday at Midnight PT. Voting is unlimited, so vote as many times as you can for your guy! Also, feel free to leave comments on why your guy should be the winner, and I'll include them in my letter to ESPN Magazine!

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Naked Face Off: Final Four!

The final four men have been selected by you in the first ever Naked Face Off! As the field narrows the decisions get harder, and that's why this round I will feature a little info on each guy and why you should pick him. As if you didn't hate me enough already, I will also feature some pictures. So are you ready to see who made it? Of course you are!

Voting closes Sunday July 22nd at Midnight! You can vote as many times as you want for each guy!

I now present your Naked Face Off Final Four!  

#1 Gabriel Landeskog v. #4 Mike Richards

Oh yes, the match-up of your dreams (or nightmares because you have to choose). The flawless Swede versus the glorious Canadian. Let's take a look at why you should pick each one. First up, Mr. Landeskog.

I want you on top of me. Don't think, just do it!
There's not much else to say about Gabe that I haven't already covered in my Flavor of the Week feature of him, but I'll try anyway.

OK, since that feature Gabe won the Calder Trophy for rookie of the year, because he was hotter than the two other guys nominated. (Sorry, Adam. I still love you and your cheekbones.)
Shut Up! What do you want? Just take your pants off!

There's really not much else to say, I'll just leave some pictures here for your enjoyment.
I see we're still going with the "one size too small shirt" look. I approve.

Yea, you let that shirt just casually fall open. That's what mama likes.

I think I'll just skip the sushi and go straight for some Gabe please!

Have you recovered from that yet? Do you need a moment? OK....

Moment is over time for another round of sexy!

It's time to talk about Mike Richards. Oh yes, sexy, sexy Mike Richards. He's the pride of Kenora, and always down for a party in your pants.

Just...everything. You. Are. Perfect.

Yes, Mike, in all his bearded Stanley Cup Champion glory is so sexy. His snarky attitude and crooked smile give Mike just the right amount of smart-ass charm. In fact, I bet that little jerk could charm the pants off you right now!

Plus, he has a sweet boat. Bitches love boats. 
He also has an adorable dog named Arnold, who he shares ice cream with. I mean, what's not to like about this guy?
Aww...look at the puppy! Plus, look at that view! Damn!

Yes, Mike will charm your pants off, but really do you need to be charming when you look like this?

Screw charming, I just want to screw you!
So what do you think guys? Cast your votes! (This round will have unlimited voting, so vote for your guy as many times as you want!)

#2 Henrik Lundqvist v. #3 Jeff Carter

As you can see all the top seeds made it to the end. Well it's time to take a look at the #2 seed, King Henrik. 

Please refrain from licking your computer screen, that shit probably causes cancer.
Henrik is the second Swede on this list, because surprise, Swedish people are beautiful! Seriously, what's in the water over there? Hot damn! 

Henrik is also the second Swede on this list to win an award this season. He took home the Vezina, and looked damn good doing it. 
Henrik accepting his award for being incredibly sexy.
Honestly, I'm jealous of how pretty Hank is. I want to be as pretty as him, or at least be near him... naked. He even looks good just hanging out in sweats. 
Who just looks like this? His hair is always perfect!
We're all aware by now at the gloriousness that is Henrik Lundqvist, so here's another picture, because I can. 
Sure Hank is beautiful, but he's sure to face some tough competition from the #3 seed Jeff Carter. 

I chose a playoff beard picture, because...reasons.
Not to go all "50 shades of grey" creepy, but I've had some seriously naughty thoughts about Jeff and that tie. Can they do the naked picture with it...hmmm...sorry, moving on. 
I really like pictures of hockey players in golf gear. (Insert Leafs fan joke here.)

I also enjoy Jeff in a suit...or out of a suit. That suit would look good on my floor, just saying.

Of course, I can't have Richards and Carter on a list together without mentioning their love. It would be a difficult decision if these two had to face each other in the championship.

"Hey Mike, you'd vote for me right?"
 "Sure, Jeff."

So who's your pick? 

Monday, July 16, 2012

Naked Face Off Semi-Finals!!!!

The first round of the Naked Face Off is over, and eight sexy, sexy men are moving on to the semi-finals! A few of these match-ups were SUPER close, and one match-up was decided by eight votes! Now it's time for you guys and gals to pick four guys to move on. Disclaimer: I'm apologizing ahead of time for how difficult these decisions will be. All are worthy of nudie pics, but you have to choose people! So, which of the remaining men do you want to see take it all off? Get your votes in before Wednesday at midnight PT.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Naked Face Off Quarterfinals!

OK people round 1 voting has begun! You can vote for your favorite guy in each match-up. The format will be #1 v. #16, #2 v. #15, and so on. Each guys ranking is determined by the amount of picks submitted by you! I also submitted my five picks after all the picks were in. Now, I know you may be disappointed if your guy didn't make the top 16, but I hope there's a few guys in this list that you will also enjoy seeing naked. Voting will close at midnight PT on Sunday night, so get your votes in quickly! So without further adieu, here's your naked face-off quarterfinal match-ups!

There you go people the top 16 NHL players you want to see stripped down in ESPN Magazine! As you can see there's quite a few Kings players (hmmm...I wonder why?).Remember I have no control over this top 16, so don't kill the messenger. Anyway, make sure you get your votes in, and tell your friends to vote for your guy too! The semi-final match-ups will be up late Sunday or early Monday morning. Happy voting ladies and gents!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Naked Face Off!

By now I'm sure you've all seen the naked picture of Brad Richards for ESPN Magazine's annual Body Issue. Here's a link to the Puck Daddy article, because frankly, I don't want to have this picture on my blog forever. My first thought upon seeing this photo was WHY GOD WHY??? CANNOT UNSEE!!!!! Why Brad Richards? I would like to know who makes these decisions. Why can't they chose someone I WANT TO SEE NAKED? Nothing against Brad Richards personally, I'm sure he's a nice guy, but I just don't want to think about him naked.

Now, I know that not every guy wants to show off his stuff in a national magazine. I'm sure the pool to pick from is slim, but I guarantee they can do better. That's why I'm starting a campaign!

  • Send me your top 5 picks for NHL players you want to see in next years Body Issue! Leave your picks in the comments, or send them to me on Twitter
  • I will take all picks until Friday July 13th at noon PT. I will then take the top 16 picks and create a bracket.
  • All players will go head-to-head (or body-to-body if you will) in a playoff style match-up, until one guy is the champion. 
  • You can vote for your favorites, and I will send the results to ESPN Magazine for their consideration.

The more picks and votes the better! Let your voice be heard by ESPN Magazine, so next year we can all enjoy!

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Creeping on Stanley: First Time For Everything

The Stanley Cup made it's first trip to Slovenia! Anze Kopitar's time with Stanley was a special one for the entire country. PS: Kopi was awesome about tweeting out a bunch of pictures of the Cup. He made my creeping super easy! Thanks Anze!

Random stickers on the Cup's case.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Creeping on Stanley: From Russia With Love

The Stanley Cup has finished it's first leg of it's European vacation! The Cup spent two days in Russia with defenseman Slava Voynov, then center Andrei Loktionov. Here's some pictures of Stanley's time in Mother Russia.

First up, Slava "The War" Voynov!
Stanley is very popular in Russia.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Things That Are More Exciting Than Waiting For Zach Parise and Ryan Suter To Sign

"Hey man, fuck all these people! Let's just be dicks and make them sweat it out in two years when we're free agents!"

Seriously? I mean come on guys, just sign a God damn contract already. How hard is this? You're both going to make almost 100 million dollars, just sign it! Wahhhh...what team that wants to make me filthy rich is better? Guess what? All the cities you're thinking about moving your families to have awesome qualities, and shitty qualities. Just pick the one that is the least shitty and move on. I'm over it, in fact, here's a list of shit that is more exciting to do than waiting for twiddle dee and twiddle dum to sign.
  • Watching 24/7 on loop for the next 678 hours. 
  • Walking around your house in a robe while also eating ice cream out of the tub.
  • Trying to fart loud enough to wake up your sleeping dog.
  • Shooting aluminium foil balls with a hockey stick at objects in your house.
  • Yelling at kids on your lawn. 
  • Going to the gym...FAT ASS!
  • Putting your teams schedule into your calender. 
  • Shopping on eBay.
  • Licking random items to see what they taste like.
  • Getting a head start on your holiday shopping.
  • Shitting in a park. 
  • Making your own beef jerky. 
  • Ordering everything at Starbucks and drinking them until you barf.
  • Barfing.
  • Re-watching the Stanley Cup Final and sobbing uncontrollably (Kings and Devils fans only).
  • Trying to blow random shit up.
  • Staring at Taylor Pyatt's eyes.
  • Trying to get Nail Yakupov to tweet you.
  • Masturbating.
  • Sniffing glue.
  • Begin training for a marathon.
  • Stop training for a marathon after running for five minutes.
  • Eating a banana really slowly in a very public place. 
  • Baking a cake made of shit and getting your neighbors to eat it.
  • Eating shit.
  • Thinking about how none of this matters because there probably won't be a NHL season next year because everyone is a greedy asshole and they can't agree on anything.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Free Agent Frenzzzzzzzz....


Oh yea, Jason Garrison signed with the Canucks. Love you Jason! That's all.