Sunday, October 28, 2012

Lockout Day: 50ish?? In Which I Become A Temporary Baseball Blog

I just need someone to love. LET ME LOVE YOU!!!!!

It has finally happened. I have lost MY GOD DAMN MIND!!!!! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE NHL AND NHLPA????

Yes I have gone to the dark side. The baseball side! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NO ONE CAN STOP ME!!!!!

This is obviously super temporary, because it's the World Series, and the Giants lead 3-0, and whatever. This actually happened semi by accident. I was trying to prove a point about Tim Lincecum (i.e. his former side swept hair aka Bieber hair, but before Bieber, idk whatever!!!), and then I went down the slippery fan girl slope. I hit it hard, and my god I missed those crazy bitches. Their insanity sustains me. Well now you all have to face my need to write terrible things about professional athletes, and the fan girls who stalk them. This pleases me greatly, DEAL WITH IT.

See? Side swept hair! My point...proven! (Ignore the Sharks jersey...k)

Let me start off by saying I don't find any of the Giants players attractive. I have no idea what these chicks see. They're possibly blind. I love Big Time Timmy Jim as much as the next person, but BTTJ is not exactly "beautiful" as some claim.

"Shut the fuck up Brigitte. You love me, stop trying to deny it."
"SCREW YOU TIMMY! I SWEAR I DON'T! AHHH WHY???"

At least I'm not this chick (who by the way uses the name "my body aches for you" on Tumblr...I'm scared)....

"I think it's safe to say that between Tim Lincecum and Brian Wilson...
The Giants have the hottest men in baseball on their team. Hot damn."

WTF???? DO YOU HAVE EYES??? OK maybe she doesn't, it's not nice to make fun of those who are differently-abled. If she does have the gift of sight however, I fear for her mental stability. I mean "my body aches for you"? This chick...my goodness...this chick. 

"Ooohhh you just deny all you want girl!"
"SHUT UP ANGEL PAGAN!!! STOP IT!"

Well at least I'm not this girl...

"why does tim batting turn me on so…
maybe because i only ever see him pitching so it’s so foreign it’s hot.
i don’t know what’s wrong with me.
what are these feels."

What? This doesn't even make sense! He bats ALL THE TIME! It's called the FUCKING NATIONAL LEAGUE!

"Bitch please! You know it's hot when I bat"
"OK...P.S. I have that same hat. I'm leaving now."

OK FINE AT LEAST I'M NOT THIS CHICKS DAD! (Only because I'm not a guy/dad. Other than that we're exactly the same.) 

"i think my dad’s secretly in love with Tim Lincecum. seriously. it’s scary. he calls him Timmy and whenever he’s on the mound he makes hearts and shit. i’m waiting for the day he kisses the TV."

I think I'm your dad. WHAT? I don't know anymore. PS...your dad is realllly weird.

"OK fine..I love you."
"What are doing in the locker room? How did you get in here..."

Oh yeah, this picture exists...

"Sup. This is me doing my thing. Over here. With my hair and shit."

Whhhaaa??? Remember when Timmy went through that mustache kind of thing faze? That's right you don't...because this is a hockey blog...sorry. Well he did, and apparently they took this really sweet picture during it.  I think I may just be jealous of his hair....or...something else....


At least I'm not this chick...

"I think I'm in love with Hunter Pence."

OK...say what now???

"Hey I'm totally cool! I have a scooter and I'm totally not a serial killer."
Hmmm...he does look suspiciously normal here.....maybe he's not a.....

OK NOPE! Still totally a serial killer.
SOON.
Come closer...let me feel your face. Mmmm...it feels delicious.

Who thinks this guy is sexy? That girl is FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD! 

Well this has been fun. It feels good to write about a sport that's actually playing. Even if I didn't actually write anything about the actual game. I'll leave you with this picture. It makes me happy. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME!


Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Lockout Day: Like around 40 or Something? Whatever, ABS!!!!!

FUCK YOU CHRIS HIGGINS STOP BEING SO FUCKING PRETTY!


It's late and I'm going to MOTHER FUCKING DISNEYLAND TOMORROW! Of course I can't sleep because DISNEYLANDDDJADADBCKSBCBSKVBASDBK!!!!!! Also, GIANTS!!! CMNSDBCKASBDCKABSHCASDCHSADBCASDMBNCVADSKJ.

Yes, I have been drinking. Beer + coffee at 11pm is not a good combo. Oh well. Here's pictures of Chris Higgins abs again!!!

I love Chris Higgins! He just keeps giving it up. He's like a cheap hooker with a coke problem. He also has a lot of daddy issues. I'm cool with this, as long I get to drool over his delicious abs I DO NOT CARE!!!! One day I will lick those glorious abs. I will then be promptly taken to Canadian jail, which is like regular jail but with a Tim Horton's inside. IT WILL BE TOTALLY WORTH IT BY THE WAY!

These photos are from the Bieksa's Buddies hockey charity thing or whatever. They come from SedinTwins on Tumblr. She's doing God's work. I love her. Seriously, call me.

"Is anyone looking that I took my jersey off yet?"

"Oh yea, they're totally looking! OK act sassy!"

"OK now pose so they can get the shot."

"Yea, I know. I give the people what they want"
I CAN'T EVEN RIGHT NOW! END THIS FUCKING LOCKOUT I NEED TO SEE MORE CHRIS HIGGINS OH MY FUCKING GOD!

This photo is from Sachi-Wick who is also fucking awesome.

Just act casual, like you have no idea your abs are showing. Yesss, that's how mama likes it.
She also got this pic, which is just so sexy.
Sex hair, ridiculous blue eyes, and abs created by the Gods. Fuck me, seriously...
My favorite picture though is this one from http://bey0ndthesestars.tumblr.com/

"Here's your pen back citizen. You're welcome."
Why is this picture my favorite? Because it's such a creeper pic. It's super voyeuristic, and I dig that shit. It's like that creepy grainy picture you get from spying through someone's window late at night. It's sexual and violent. It's kind of freaky and it turns me on.

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.

Someone stop me please.

End this lockout before I'm arrested, or hospitalized.

THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

I Will Survive The Zombie Apocalypse, Thanks To Mr. Bentz!

"We should have read that e-mail about the zombie shelter."



That's right people, I have been given the amazing opportunity to be one of the survivors in the event of a zombie apocalypse! How did I get this amazing gift? Because I am awesome. I received this email over the weekend that explains exactly how I will live, and why all of you people will die!

Jonathan Bentz is a big fan!

Hi there!

I stopped by
onegirlonepuck.blogspot.com earlier today and noticed you tend to write about zombies from time to time.  Because of that, I thought it might be worth it to share an article with you published by CB Structures Inc. with detailed information on how to prepare a barn or garage for the zombie apocalypse.

I don't really remember talking about zombies, but hey whatever I don't remember what I ate for breakfast. This guy is obviously a HUGE fan of mine, so he probably remembers all my posts. 

Also, fuck yes I'm interested in detailed information on how to prepare a barn or garage for the zombie apocalypse! He's obviously only sharing this vital information with very important people.

Check it out here:

http://www.cbstructuresinc.com/the-comprehensive-plan-for-surviving-the-zombie-apocalypse-from-your-pole-barn/?site=onegirlonepuck.blogspot.com
I even have a special link to this super secret information! This guy obviously wants to repopulate the earth with me someday.

If you have a second, I'd love to have you check it out and see if it may be of interest to your readers or tie into one of your upcoming stories.  Or, if you'd be willing to share it with any of your fans and followers, that would be great, too!

Any questions, please let me know.  It's also cool if you want to give me a call at the number below.  And thanks for taking a second to check out this article.

Fuck yea I'm sharing this with my fans and followers! I want to be your leader once the zombies take over, it's the least you guys can do after I saved your lives!

I would love to call you Jonathan to discuss this! I bet you're a super knowledgeable, totally real guy!


Have a great weekend! Oh... and if you watch it, enjoy the premiere of 'The Walking Dead' on tonight!

Jonathan Bentz

ProspectMX
425 North Prince Street
Lancaster, PA 17601
PH: 717-826-0581


I actually don't watch The Walking Dead anymore, but it's cool I still want to talk. If he plays his zombie hating cards right maybe I'll pay him a visit in beautiful Lancaster, PA! 

Of course feel free to contact Mr. Bentz too if you feel like you need to protect yourself against the super imminent zombie apocalypse! Feel free to send me money and shit for passing along this life-saving information to you.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Lockout Day: 29??? Maybe. Whatever, Here's a Fun Way To Kill Some Time

The lockout is still going strong! Joy of joys! At least I have baseball for a few weeks, and college football. If this lockout gets into the dead time of January though, well....

Then....


Has it really been 30 days? Holy Fuck! Well here's the whole first season of Becoming Wild thanks to some awesome person on YouTube. Sure it's about the Minnesota Wild, but hey it's a show about hockey. It's really good I promise. If you don't like it then fuck you. I'm trying to be positive over here people!!!! Just watch the damn show!

Episode 1



Episode 2


Episode 3


Episode 4


Episode 5


Episode 6



The opening scene with the ice being demolished is pretty cool. I've never seen how they get rid of the ice. It's also sadly symbolic for this lockout. Hey look on the bright side, you just killed close to two hours with hockey! Yay! Please don't jump off a bridge.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Lockout Day: Whatever...Here's Some Old Hockey Commercials

I don't know how many days we're into this damn lockout, but here's some old hockey commercials to cheer you up. I guess these could have the opposite effect, since you know there's no hockey on TV! I'm just gonna go cry in a corner. Enjoy these stupid commercials. Whatever.



Remember when Brendan Shanahan wasn't a stiff robot doing videos about how hockey players are stupid and can't remember that trying to decapitate each other is bad?


Remember when ESPN showed hockey? Oh wait..they still do. Just..you know...Russian hockey.


I personally think Martin St.Louis did a killer job on that Russian accent.


Creepy, disturbing, and awkward. The hockey commercial trifecta!


Bruins commercials are awesome. I could do a whole post of them. I might if this lockout lasts for a while.


This one's not that old, but it's still funny. The irony here is Steve Levy will be calling Alex Ovechkin's next game...in the KHL.


The Sharks have some of the best advertising of any team. I'll probably do a post just from their commercials too. Fucking lockout!


Yes this is real. Guess what? There's more of these commercials!

Here's a link to the first one (since apparently I can't embed it. RUDE!) Pre-warning: It's incredibly stupid and also kind of amazing.


Of course the king of terrible hockey commercials is Alex Ovechkin.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THE FUCKING CAR DEALERSHIP COMMERCIALS???? STOP IT!!!

Hey Alex, when people constantly accuse you of being fat, maybe don't do candy bar commercials.

ANOTHER FUCKING CAR DEALERSHIP COMMERCIAL? GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!

Samuel L. Jackson doing a hockey commercial. Do I need to say anything else?

I'm so sorry for this one, but if you haven't seen this...well I'm sorry. I would also like to apologize to Sidney Crosby. I'm sure he wishes this would just go away, but it won't. Mainly because I will post it FOREVER!
A mother fucking bread commercial? You're SIDNEY FUCKING CROSBY!! Whatever. The creeper smile to that kid will never not be hilarious.

Just in case you weren't aware how creepy Sidney Crosby is here's a clip from 24/7 about his pre-game "rituals". He loves his own crazy. Look at those eyes! He's coming for you bread kid!
I bet that sandwich is on Dempster's bread. Plus his mini panic attack about letting Malkin skate out first for games is insane. (*Of course don't get me wrong, I would still hit that. He's Sidney Crosby, you would too.)

Remember Simon Gagne's hair? Fuck, I love Simon Gagne.

I loved this commercial when I was younger. No idea why. Clement hands is now part of my vocabulary though.

Ok last ones I promise. Even my beloved Kings are not above these stupid commercials.
The most ridiculous part of this? Drew Doughty in an Oakland A's hat! WTF? THIS DESTROYS EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT LIFE!

"Vote for Lubo" are you fucking kidding me?

Yep...fucking Jack Johnson. You don't see Jeff Carter doing these commercials do you? No, that's why you're in Columbus now.

Whatever guys. I'm sure I'll get bored enough to find some more stupid video to post. Time to go drink more.