Saturday, January 26, 2013

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Cosmo You're Doing It Wrong...Again!

I wasn't going to do this post, but I honestly think Cosmopolitan Magazine needs my help. Last years list was bad, here's my post last year about this crap. You know what? I don't totally agree with myself from last year either. There are serious revisions to me be made to it. At least it wasn't as dreadful as Cosmo's list this year though. Here's a link to it, because they need our help! I'll break down their awful choices below, share my previous picks, and make all necessary revisions. This is a public service!

Washington Capitals

Cosmo's Pick: Mike Green 

What Cosmo Said: "This Caps defenseman makes our hot list for the second year in a row. Um, yeah—have you seen the guy?" 

Yes Cosmo, I have seen this guy...
My Pick Last Year: Brooks Laich
I still think Brooks is a good looking dude, but I think I want to make a revision

My Pick This Year: Braden Holtby 
Guy in the Rangers jersey likes what he sees.

 Why Braden? 1. He's a goalie, that's automatic points. 2. He was an absolute stud last year. 3. Look at that fucking picture! He's like a bearded super-spy or some shit. What a badass. 

Los Angeles Kings

Cosmo's Pick: Jeff Carter
What Cosmo Said: "We don't get hung up on trophies, but Jeff won a Stanley Cup last season. And he's hot. Just saying."

My Pick Last Year: Mike Richards
Solid choice by both of us honestly. My love for Cheeto Carter is well known, as is my love for Mr. Richards. I just feel like maybe there's someone I'm missing...

My Pick This Year: Simon Gagne
Shown: Gagne Playoff Beard. I'll give you a minute.
 You forgot he was on the Kings too didn't you? Simon is like top five all time for me. I was swooning over him back in junior high. Now he has a Stanley Cup, plays for my favorite team, and I get too look at his face for the five games he'll play before he's injured again. I love you

New York Rangers

Cosmo's Pick: Brian Boyle
 What Cosmo Said: "Brian is hot. Brian all sweaty? Yummy."

Ok Then...

My Pick Last Year: Henrik Lundqvist

My Pick This Year: Henrik Lundqvist
Surprise! Henrik Lundqvist is hot! I know, can you believe it? I bet you didn't know that before today! Seriously, if you make a list of hot hockey players and omit Lundqvist, you automatically fail. 

Buffalo Sabres

Cosmo's Pick: Patrick Kaleta (haha seriously I didn't make that up)

What Cosmo Said: "We've never wanted to be a goalie so badly before."

Pretty sure Ryan Miller doesn't even like this guy. 

My Pick Last Year: Cody Hodgson

My Pick This Year: Marcus Foligno
Oh hey Marcus what's up? How you doin? You see Cosmo, this is why things like the Internet and eyes are important when you make lists. PS: Marcus, call me! 

Philadelphia Flyers

Cosmo's Pick: Scott Hartnell
This is the actual picture Cosmo used. Yep.
  What Cosmo Said: "You might recognize this left wing from his cameo in This Is Forty. Or from scoping out his sexy red curls on the ice."


My Pick Last Year: Claude Giroux
 Incredible pick by me last year. It's amazing that when I looked at their roster I could find Claude. Seriously, no one even knows about him! 
My Pick This Year: Luke Schenn
 Honestly, Claude and Luke are both pretty. I don't care if either one of them is picked. I just wanted to post a picture of Luke Schenn before I have to see him in a Flyers jersey. 
Ottawa Senators
Cosmo's Pick: Marc Methot 
   What Cosmo Said: "Yup, we see that player checking out his butt over his left shoulder. And we can't blame him."

Solid quote, but just so wrong. WRONG WRONG YOU ARE WRONG.

My Pick Last Year: Erik Karlsson
My Pick This Year: Erik Karlsson
  How did you not pick him? Adorable and Swedish! Hello!! I know you guys picked him last year, but I saw plenty of repeats this year! Is it because he cut his hair? I know I'm sad too, but no need to go all crazy and leave him off the list! 

Montreal Canadiens
Cosmo's Pick: Carey Price
  What Cosmo Said: "Hottie Carey is a three-time all-star. Yup, we can see that."

What it should have said is, thank you Brigitte for making this pick last year when we were too stupid to make it. 

My Pick Last Year: Carey Price
My Pick This Year: Carey Price
Cool, glad we all agree here. Moving on
Detroit Red Wings
Cosmo's Pick: Henrik Zetterberg
   What Cosmo Said: "Henrik fun fact: His nickname is "Curly Fries." 

 Cool, thanks. 

My Pick Last Year: Darren Helm
My Pick This Year: Darren Helm

I'm reusing the same picture from last year because it's like my favorite picture ever. So attractive. Is Zetterberg a good looking man? Absolutely. Does that change the fact that I would do Darren Helm all day, every day, don't care how? Nope.

Toronto Maple Leafs
Cosmo's Pick: Phil Kessel (lol)
  What Cosmo Said: "This sexy right wing helped Team USA win silver in 2010."
Marking the first time "Phil Kessel" and "sexy" were ever used together without the word "not" 
My Pick Last Year: Joffrey Lupul and Luke Schenn
My Pick This Year: Joffrey Lupul 
This picture is hilarious. I had to share it.
  Congrats Joffrey you win by default! Just kidding, you're attractive. 
 Columbus Blue Jackets

Cosmo's Pick: Jared Boll
 What Cosmo Said: "Helmet head never looked so good."
Alrighty Then
My Pick Last Year: Rick Nash
My Pick This Year: Umm...I guess Jarred Boll? 
I feel like last year I just sort of went with Nash because there was no other options. So this year I will do the same
New York Islanders
Cosmo's Pick: John Tavares
 What Cosmo Said: "This sexy center is an alternate captain for the Islanders. But with hotness like that, we think he should be captain."

I feel like this is such a generic compliment. They were like eh, he's hot make a should be captain joke. 

My Pick Last Year: John Tavares
My Pick This Year: John Tavares
 There's something I like about him. He's nerdy and adorable. I dig it. 
Vancouver Canucks
Cosmo's Pick: Ryan Kesler
Kesler is super pissed about this apparently.
  What Cosmo Said: "This center has his own clothing line—and he posed in his underwear for an ad for it. Hel-lo!"

Ryan Kesler loves being naked. It's just the way he is. While I do enjoy he's nakedness, well I think we all know who the clear winner is.

My pick last year: David Booth and Chris Higgins
My pick this year: Chris Higgins' abs
Ok his face is pretty great too

Sorry another picture of his abs....OK seriously here's one of just his face

  I seriously can't stop myself. He's just so....yum.

Winnipeg Jets

Cosmo's Pick: Evander Kane
 What Cosmo Said: "This talented hottie was named after boxer Evander Holyfield. The more you know…"

My Pick Last Year: Ondrej Pavelec

My Pick This Year: Ondrej Pavelec
He's Czech in case you were wondering.
Goalies are getting some serious love on this list. Maybe I'm just always surprised when they take off their masks and faces like this are underneath. Swoon. 

Carolina Hurricanes

Cosmo's Pick: Jordan Staal
What Cosmo Said: "Hottie Jordan was traded from the Penguins this year. We have no idea how they could let that kind of cuteness go."

Yea, I think the Penguins will be just fine. 

My Pick Last Year: Jeff Skinner
My Pick This Year: Jeff Skinner
 Seriously? He's just the cutest thing ever! Look at those dimples! How was he snubbed two years in a row on Cosmo's list? These people are on crack. 

Pittsburgh Penguins
Cosmo's Pick: Sidney Crosby
  What Cosmo Said: "At least the Penguins still have sexy Sidney, who makes our list for the second year in a row." 

Confession Time: I have a massive crush on Sid. It's really awkward honestly. I don't talk about it often, but it's true. I still don't agree here. I do not shy away from making innapropraite comments about Sid. Would I hit that? Abso-fucking-lutely. The Pens have a lot of options, and Sid is a solid choice, but...

Last Years Pick: James Neal and Kris Letang

This Years Pick: James Neal

Just Look at that face!
Yes, James Neal is very attractive, but he won because of two VERY important words: GINGER BEARD! 

Come to me James Neal.
 Minnesota Wild

Cosmo's Pick: Ryan Suter
What Cosmo Said: "Ryan signed with the Wild this year. Lucky, lucky Minnesotans."

They didn't even pick the right hot overpaid free agent signing? Who are the people doing this? 

My Pick Last Year: Mikko Koivu 
My Pick This Year: Zach Parise
  Adorable! He was my pick on the Devils last year (just FYI he wasn't the right choice), but now he's my pick on the Wild! Pure American Sexiness. 

San Jose Sharks
Cosmo's Pick: Brent Burns
 What Cosmo Said: "Brent doesn't just look good—he does good, too. When he was with the Minnesota Wild, the defenseman purchased a suite at the Xcel Energy Center for military families to use."

I'm sure he's a nice guy, but come on! I know there's slim pickings on the Sharks, but for real???

Last Year's Pick: Dan Boyle
This Years Pick: Dan Boyle

 Dan is an attractive man. I could have gone with Jason Demers, but I stand by my pick here. He's got a certain charm, I'm intrigued. 

Boston Bruins

Cosmo's Pick: Tyler Seguin
      What Cosmo Said: "Tyler wrapped up last season as the highest scorer for the Bruins. What can we say—we like a man who knows how to score."

 Solid choice, but I stand by my pick from last year

Last Year's Pick: Patrice Bergeron

My Pick This Year: Patrice Bergeron
  Yes..yes...good choice. Patrice is a sexy French Canadian specimen. Maybe next year Tyler.

Anaheim Ducks

Cosmo's Pick: Bobby Ryan
 What Cosmo Said: "This forward participated in a charity hockey game this year to raise money for victims of Hurricane Sandy. Aww."

 Even as a Kings fan, I have to say I like watching Bobby Ryan play hockey. That's really where the attractiveness ends. For the second year in a row Cosmo has snubbed my pick! Bitches. 

 Last Year's Pick: Teemu Selanne

My Pick This Year: Teemu Selanne
That is an attractive gentleman.
 Teemu Forever Guys! 

Chicago Blackhawks

Cosmo's Pick: Patrick Sharp

What Cosmo Said: "Patrick was named one of the 50 Most Beautiful Chicagoans in 2011. Yeah, we can see that."

Obvious pick is obvious. 
Last Year's Pick: Patrick Sharp
My Pick This Year: Patrick Sharp 
I know, shocker! 
Tampa Bay Lightning
Cosmo's Pick: Vinny Lecavalier 
 What Cosmo Said: "We wouldn't mind being checked by this sexy center."

Great quote, I bet that took all day to come up with! 

Last Year's Pick: Victor Hedman
My Pick This Year: Victor Hedman 
  He's Swedish, and he's a hockey player. I think I just made my case. 

Florida Panthers
Cosmo's Pick: Scottie Upshall
What Cosmo Said: "With his slicked back hair and sexy stubble, we could watch Scottie all day."

They didn't even pick a good picture of Scottie, who is very attractive. He's not my pick though, sorry. 

Last Year's Pick: Erik Gudbranson 
My Pick This Year: Erik Gudbranson
What A Babe.
If it's possible, he's actually gotten better looking from last year. I swear he's just soooooooo hot! How he's not more well known for his babe status, I don't know. Whatever more Erik for me! 
Nashville Predators
Cosmo's Pick: Mike Fisher
What Cosmo Said: "We said it last year and we'll say it again: Carrie Underwood is one lucky woman."

Yes we know Mike Fisher is married to Carrie Underwood. I think it's time I highlight someone else.

Last Year's Pick: Mike Fischer
My Pick This Year: Colin Wilson
 Colin is a total cutie! Sure Mike Underwood Fischer is a very attractive guy, but I'm kind of sick of hearing about him. I think it's time someone else takes over the Preds hottie throne! 

Colorado Avalanche
Cosmo's Pick: Gabriel Landeskog
   What Cosmo Said: "This 20-year-old was named captain of the Avalanche last year, making him the youngest captain in NHL history. Leadership…that's hot."

My only complaint here is Cosmo needs a better picture! 
Much Better.
Every Pick Of All Time Forever: Gabe! 
St. Louis Blues
Cosmo's Pick: Patrik Berglund
 What Cosmo Said: "Patrik is from Sweden and you know what that means: adorable accent."
Once again Cosmo listened to me!! Swedes really are the best! 
Last Year's Pick: Patrik Berglund
My Pick This Year: Patrik Berglund
 Calgary Flames
Cosmo's Pick: Dennis Wideman
  What Cosmo Said: "Oh, heyyy, Dennis."
Don't worry Cosmo you'll see a lot of Dennis on the highlight reels...of the other teams players scoring. 
Last Year's Pick: Mikael Backlund
My Pick This Year: Mikael Backlund
I've been watching this gif for an hour. Someone stop me please! 

Phoenix Coyotes
Cosmo's Pick: Mike Smith

   What Cosmo Said: "Sorry, ladies: This sexy goalie is married."
I think they can handle it. 
Last Year's Pick: Taylor Pyatt and Antoine Vermette
My Pick This Year: Mikkel Boedker
 Did you hear that sound? It's the sound of millions of women swooning for the hottest export of Demark. That's right Cosmo, you picked Mike Smith over this shit. 
New Jersey Devils
Cosmo's Pick: Adam Henrique
   What Cosmo Said: "When Adam hits the ice, you better believe we pay attention."

OK Cosmo, bravo for this one. In fact, you called my bluff from last year. Kudos. Adam is...yes.

Last Year's Pick: Zach Parise
My Pick This Year: Adam Henrique
Edmonton Oilers

Cosmo's Pick: Jordan Eberle
 What Cosmo Said: "Jordan makes navy blue look good."

PS: Navy isn't an Oilers color. Also, that's not an Oilers jersey. OK just...stop it Cosmo.

Last Year's Pick: Sam Gagner

My Pick This Year: Sam Gagner
Is Sam the sexiest guy ever? No, he's cute though. Giving that I HAVE to pick someone on each team, Sam is the clear choice here. Step it up Edmonton! 

Dallas Stars

Cosmo's Pick: Jaromir Jagr (he plays there now)

     What Cosmo Said: "This right wing is considered one of the best players of all time. Oh, and he's pretty damn easy on the eyes, too."

I don''m actually just impressed they knew Jagr played for the Stars. Apparently they do know how to use Google.

Last Year's Pick: Jamie Benn

My Pick This Year: Jamie Benn

   I actually wasn't going to pick Jamie, but then I found out he shaved that STUPID FUCKING FACIAL HAIR. Thank you Jamie, as a thank you I picked you. You're welcome. 

So Ladies and Gents, what do you think? Did I do better than Cosmo? Did I leave someone out?