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Cosmo You're Doing It Wrong...Again!

I wasn't going to do this post, but I honestly think Cosmopolitan Magazine needs my help. Last years list was bad, here's my post last year about this crap. You know what? I don't totally agree with myself from last year either. There are serious revisions to me be made to it. At least it wasn't as dreadful as Cosmo's list this year though. Here's a link to it, because they need our help! I'll break down their awful choices below, share my previous picks, and make all necessary revisions. This is a public service!


Washington Capitals

Cosmo's Pick: Mike Green 

What Cosmo Said: "This Caps defenseman makes our hot list for the second year in a row. Um, yeah—have you seen the guy?" 

Yes Cosmo, I have seen this guy...

  
My Pick Last Year: Brooks Laich
I still think Brooks is a good looking dude, but I think I want to make a revision

   
My Pick This Year: Braden Holtby 

Guy in the Rangers jersey likes what he sees.

 Why Braden? 1. He's a goalie, that's automatic points. 2. He was an absolute stud last year. 3. Look at that fucking picture! He's like a bearded super-spy or some shit. What a badass. 

Los Angeles Kings

Cosmo's Pick: Jeff Carter

  
What Cosmo Said: "We don't get hung up on trophies, but Jeff won a Stanley Cup last season. And he's hot. Just saying."

My Pick Last Year: Mike Richards
Solid choice by both of us honestly. My love for Cheeto Carter is well known, as is my love for Mr. Richards. I just feel like maybe there's someone I'm missing...

My Pick This Year: Simon Gagne

Shown: Gagne Playoff Beard. I'll give you a minute.

 
 You forgot he was on the Kings too didn't you? Simon is like top five all time for me. I was swooning over him back in junior high. Now he has a Stanley Cup, plays for my favorite team, and I get too look at his face for the five games he'll play before he's injured again. I love you. 

New York Rangers

Cosmo's Pick: Brian Boyle

  
 What Cosmo Said: "Brian is hot. Brian all sweaty? Yummy."

Ok Then...

My Pick Last Year: Henrik Lundqvist

My Pick This Year: Henrik Lundqvist

  
Surprise! Henrik Lundqvist is hot! I know, can you believe it? I bet you didn't know that before today! Seriously, if you make a list of hot hockey players and omit Lundqvist, you automatically fail. 

Buffalo Sabres

Cosmo's Pick: Patrick Kaleta (haha seriously I didn't make that up)

What Cosmo Said: "We've never wanted to be a goalie so badly before."

Pretty sure Ryan Miller doesn't even like this guy. 

My Pick Last Year: Cody Hodgson

My Pick This Year: Marcus Foligno

Yup.

Oh hey Marcus what's up? How you doin? You see Cosmo, this is why things like the Internet and eyes are important when you make lists. PS: Marcus, call me! 

Philadelphia Flyers

Cosmo's Pick: Scott Hartnell

This is the actual picture Cosmo used. Yep.

  What Cosmo Said: "You might recognize this left wing from his cameo in This Is Forty. Or from scoping out his sexy red curls on the ice."

OMG GUYS HE WAS IN A MOVIE WOW HE MUST BE HOT BECAUSE GUYS THAT ARE IN MOVIES ARE HOT YEEEEEE

My Pick Last Year: Claude Giroux

 Incredible pick by me last year. It's amazing that when I looked at their roster I could find Claude. Seriously, no one even knows about him! 

 

My Pick This Year: Luke Schenn

 Honestly, Claude and Luke are both pretty. I don't care if either one of them is picked. I just wanted to post a picture of Luke Schenn before I have to see him in a Flyers jersey. 

 

Ottawa Senators

 

Cosmo's Pick: Marc Methot 

   What Cosmo Said: "Yup, we see that player checking out his butt over his left shoulder. And we can't blame him."

Solid quote, but just so wrong. WRONG WRONG YOU ARE WRONG.

My Pick Last Year: Erik Karlsson

 

My Pick This Year: Erik Karlsson

  How did you not pick him? Adorable and Swedish! Hello!! I know you guys picked him last year, but I saw plenty of repeats this year! Is it because he cut his hair? I know I'm sad too, but no need to go all crazy and leave him off the list! 

Montreal Canadiens

 

Cosmo's Pick: Carey Price

  What Cosmo Said: "Hottie Carey is a three-time all-star. Yup, we can see that."

What it should have said is, thank you Brigitte for making this pick last year when we were too stupid to make it. 

My Pick Last Year: Carey Price

 

My Pick This Year: Carey Price

Cool, glad we all agree here. Moving on. 

 

Detroit Red Wings

 

Cosmo's Pick: Henrik Zetterberg

   What Cosmo Said: "Henrik fun fact: His nickname is "Curly Fries." 

 Cool, thanks. 

My Pick Last Year: Darren Helm

 

My Pick This Year: Darren Helm

 

 

I'm reusing the same picture from last year because it's like my favorite picture ever. So attractive. Is Zetterberg a good looking man? Absolutely. Does that change the fact that I would do Darren Helm all day, every day, don't care how? Nope.

Toronto Maple Leafs

 

Cosmo's Pick: Phil Kessel (lol)

 

  What Cosmo Said: "This sexy right wing helped Team USA win silver in 2010."

 

Marking the first time "Phil Kessel" and "sexy" were ever used together without the word "not" 

 

My Pick Last Year: Joffrey Lupul and Luke Schenn

 

My Pick This Year: Joffrey Lupul 

This picture is hilarious. I had to share it.

  Congrats Joffrey you win by default! Just kidding, you're attractive. 

 

 Columbus Blue Jackets

Cosmo's Pick: Jared Boll

 

 What Cosmo Said: "Helmet head never looked so good."

 

Alrighty Then

 

My Pick Last Year: Rick Nash

 

My Pick This Year: Umm...I guess Jarred Boll? 

 

I feel like last year I just sort of went with Nash because there was no other options. So this year I will do the same. 

 

New York Islanders

 

Cosmo's Pick: John Tavares

      

 What Cosmo Said: "This sexy center is an alternate captain for the Islanders. But with hotness like that, we think he should be captain."

I feel like this is such a generic compliment. They were like eh, he's hot make a should be captain joke. 

My Pick Last Year: John Tavares

 

My Pick This Year: John Tavares

 There's something I like about him. He's nerdy and adorable. I dig it. 

 

Vancouver Canucks

 

Cosmo's Pick: Ryan Kesler

Kesler is super pissed about this apparently.

  What Cosmo Said: "This center has his own clothing line—and he posed in his underwear for an ad for it. Hel-lo!"

Ryan Kesler loves being naked. It's just the way he is. While I do enjoy he's nakedness, well I think we all know who the clear winner is.

My pick last year: David Booth and Chris Higgins

 

My pick this year: Chris Higgins' abs

 

 

   

Ok his face is pretty great too

Sorry another picture of his abs....OK seriously here's one of just his face

  I seriously can't stop myself. He's just so....yum.

Winnipeg Jets

Cosmo's Pick: Evander Kane

 What Cosmo Said: "This talented hottie was named after boxer Evander Holyfield. The more you know…"


My Pick Last Year: Ondrej Pavelec

My Pick This Year: Ondrej Pavelec

He's Czech in case you were wondering.

Goalies are getting some serious love on this list. Maybe I'm just always surprised when they take off their masks and faces like this are underneath. Swoon. 

Carolina Hurricanes

Cosmo's Pick: Jordan Staal

What Cosmo Said: "Hottie Jordan was traded from the Penguins this year. We have no idea how they could let that kind of cuteness go."

Yea, I think the Penguins will be just fine. 

My Pick Last Year: Jeff Skinner

 

My Pick This Year: Jeff Skinner

 Seriously? He's just the cutest thing ever! Look at those dimples! How was he snubbed two years in a row on Cosmo's list? These people are on crack. 

Pittsburgh Penguins

 

Cosmo's Pick: Sidney Crosby

 

  What Cosmo Said: "At least the Penguins still have sexy Sidney, who makes our list for the second year in a row." 

Confession Time: I have a massive crush on Sid. It's really awkward honestly. I don't talk about it often, but it's true. I still don't agree here. I do not shy away from making innapropraite comments about Sid. Would I hit that? Abso-fucking-lutely. The Pens have a lot of options, and Sid is a solid choice, but...

Last Years Pick: James Neal and Kris Letang

This Years Pick: James Neal

Just Look at that face!

Yes, James Neal is very attractive, but he won because of two VERY important words: GINGER BEARD! 

Come to me James Neal.

 Minnesota Wild

Cosmo's Pick: Ryan Suter

What Cosmo Said: "Ryan signed with the Wild this year. Lucky, lucky Minnesotans."

They didn't even pick the right hot overpaid free agent signing? Who are the people doing this? 

My Pick Last Year: Mikko Koivu 

 

My Pick This Year: Zach Parise

 

  Adorable! He was my pick on the Devils last year (just FYI he wasn't the right choice), but now he's my pick on the Wild! Pure American Sexiness. 

San Jose Sharks

 

Cosmo's Pick: Brent Burns

 

 What Cosmo Said: "Brent doesn't just look good—he does good, too. When he was with the Minnesota Wild, the defenseman purchased a suite at the Xcel Energy Center for military families to use."

I'm sure he's a nice guy, but come on! I know there's slim pickings on the Sharks, but for real???

Last Year's Pick: Dan Boyle

 

This Years Pick: Dan Boyle

 

 

 Dan is an attractive man. I could have gone with Jason Demers, but I stand by my pick here. He's got a certain charm, I'm intrigued. 

Boston Bruins

Cosmo's Pick: Tyler Seguin

  
      What Cosmo Said: "Tyler wrapped up last season as the highest scorer for the Bruins. What can we say—we like a man who knows how to score."

 Solid choice, but I stand by my pick from last year

Last Year's Pick: Patrice Bergeron

My Pick This Year: Patrice Bergeron

  Yes..yes...good choice. Patrice is a sexy French Canadian specimen. Maybe next year Tyler.

Anaheim Ducks

Cosmo's Pick: Bobby Ryan

 What Cosmo Said: "This forward participated in a charity hockey game this year to raise money for victims of Hurricane Sandy. Aww."

 Even as a Kings fan, I have to say I like watching Bobby Ryan play hockey. That's really where the attractiveness ends. For the second year in a row Cosmo has snubbed my pick! Bitches. 

 Last Year's Pick: Teemu Selanne

My Pick This Year: Teemu Selanne

That is an attractive gentleman.

 Teemu Forever Guys! 

Chicago Blackhawks

Cosmo's Pick: Patrick Sharp

  

What Cosmo Said: "Patrick was named one of the 50 Most Beautiful Chicagoans in 2011. Yeah, we can see that."

Obvious pick is obvious. 

 

Last Year's Pick: Patrick Sharp

 

My Pick This Year: Patrick Sharp 

 

I know, shocker! 

 

Tampa Bay Lightning

   

Cosmo's Pick: Vinny Lecavalier 

 

 What Cosmo Said: "We wouldn't mind being checked by this sexy center."

Great quote, I bet that took all day to come up with! 

Last Year's Pick: Victor Hedman

 

My Pick This Year: Victor Hedman 

  He's Swedish, and he's a hockey player. I think I just made my case. 

Florida Panthers

 

Cosmo's Pick: Scottie Upshall

 

 

What Cosmo Said: "With his slicked back hair and sexy stubble, we could watch Scottie all day."

They didn't even pick a good picture of Scottie, who is very attractive. He's not my pick though, sorry. 

Last Year's Pick: Erik Gudbranson 

 

My Pick This Year: Erik Gudbranson

 

What A Babe.

If it's possible, he's actually gotten better looking from last year. I swear he's just soooooooo hot! How he's not more well known for his babe status, I don't know. Whatever more Erik for me! 

 

Nashville Predators

 

Cosmo's Pick: Mike Fisher

 

  

What Cosmo Said: "We said it last year and we'll say it again: Carrie Underwood is one lucky woman."

Yes we know Mike Fisher is married to Carrie Underwood. I think it's time I highlight someone else.

Last Year's Pick: Mike Fischer

 

My Pick This Year: Colin Wilson

 

 Colin is a total cutie! Sure Mike Underwood Fischer is a very attractive guy, but I'm kind of sick of hearing about him. I think it's time someone else takes over the Preds hottie throne! 

Colorado Avalanche

 

Cosmo's Pick: Gabriel Landeskog

 

   What Cosmo Said: "This 20-year-old was named captain of the Avalanche last year, making him the youngest captain in NHL history. Leadership…that's hot."

My only complaint here is Cosmo needs a better picture! 

 

Much Better.

 

Every Pick Of All Time Forever: Gabe! 

 

St. Louis Blues

 

Cosmo's Pick: Patrik Berglund

 

 

 What Cosmo Said: "Patrik is from Sweden and you know what that means: adorable accent."

 

Once again Cosmo listened to me!! Swedes really are the best! 

 

Last Year's Pick: Patrik Berglund

 

My Pick This Year: Patrik Berglund

 

 Calgary Flames

 

Cosmo's Pick: Dennis Wideman

 

  What Cosmo Said: "Oh, heyyy, Dennis."

 

Don't worry Cosmo you'll see a lot of Dennis on the highlight reels...of the other teams players scoring. 

 

Last Year's Pick: Mikael Backlund

 

My Pick This Year: Mikael Backlund

 

I've been watching this gif for an hour. Someone stop me please! 

Phoenix Coyotes

 

Cosmo's Pick: Mike Smith

 

      

   What Cosmo Said: "Sorry, ladies: This sexy goalie is married."

 

I think they can handle it. 

 

Last Year's Pick: Taylor Pyatt and Antoine Vermette

 

My Pick This Year: Mikkel Boedker

 Did you hear that sound? It's the sound of millions of women swooning for the hottest export of Demark. That's right Cosmo, you picked Mike Smith over this shit. 

 

New Jersey Devils

 

Cosmo's Pick: Adam Henrique

 

  

   What Cosmo Said: "When Adam hits the ice, you better believe we pay attention."

OK Cosmo, bravo for this one. In fact, you called my bluff from last year. Kudos. Adam is...yes.

Last Year's Pick: Zach Parise

 

My Pick This Year: Adam Henrique

 

Edmonton Oilers

Cosmo's Pick: Jordan Eberle

 
 What Cosmo Said: "Jordan makes navy blue look good."

PS: Navy isn't an Oilers color. Also, that's not an Oilers jersey. OK just...stop it Cosmo.

Last Year's Pick: Sam Gagner

My Pick This Year: Sam Gagner

Is Sam the sexiest guy ever? No, he's cute though. Giving that I HAVE to pick someone on each team, Sam is the clear choice here. Step it up Edmonton! 

Dallas Stars

Cosmo's Pick: Jaromir Jagr (he plays there now)

     What Cosmo Said: "This right wing is considered one of the best players of all time. Oh, and he's pretty damn easy on the eyes, too."

I don't...no...I'm actually just impressed they knew Jagr played for the Stars. Apparently they do know how to use Google.

Last Year's Pick: Jamie Benn

My Pick This Year: Jamie Benn

   I actually wasn't going to pick Jamie, but then I found out he shaved that STUPID FUCKING FACIAL HAIR. Thank you Jamie, as a thank you I picked you. You're welcome. 


So Ladies and Gents, what do you think? Did I do better than Cosmo? Did I leave someone out?